dear doris. what is the soul journey about?
issue 43 ♡ learning to let go of the reigns is a constant lesson in the merry or not so-merry ride of life.
dear doris. what is the soul journey all about? love hero’s journey
dear hero,
this weeks we tune into the soul journey — the antidote to your classic hero’s journey. i share from my earth bound lens on the last seven year cycle of my life in part I. in part II i tune into the higher self to channel a spiritual perspective on this so-called-soul journey. this newsletter relates to issue 9 the one on angels and issue 29 the one on honouring children in heaven. kindly note that ‘god’ can be substituted for any venerable or vernacular you prefer and ‘heaven’ for a non-physical plane that resonates with you.
my book love is. captures the moments of nirvana we experience as humans on earth. a picture book for grown-ups disguised a a kids book. available from kawa heart studio.
part I.
when my youngest turned four last spring, it felt like an unbelievable breath of fresh air. as the days warmed and the air sweetened, an incredible weight lifted off my chest and i felt like i could and deserved to breathe. you see, there was an unwritten disclaimer in our family that the age of four carried a unwieldy load that most kids and parents do not need to fathom — an age that our firstborn kawa never turned, an age where her siblings would surpass her in height and age and experience in their incarnation on earth.
one of my last conversations i ever had with kawa was the kind of cake she wanted for her fourth birthday. she was imagining rainbows and sprinkles and the conversation was cute and inconsequential. that cake was never made. that cake was never meant to be eaten.
the year i turned thirty-five i had two little girls by my side and i thought i was done — done with breeding, being impregnated, you know — getting knocked up, having a bun in the oven. my heart was full and our wolf pack was complete — so i thought.
little did i know, that mama-i-was had crossed the starting line of a seven year cycle that would churn and turn and pulverise her existence inside and out and on its head. little could she have imagined that within the year, she would be forced to subtract back to one child in her arms. little could that mum have known, those would be the final act she would share the stage on earth with her firstborn.
how was that thirty-five year old woman to know, that she had just boarded the most tumultuous and terrorizing ride of her life and that she would never ever be the same again. she did not forecast the waves of suffering or sobbing or silences to come. she could not have predicted how her heart would break and crack open. she had no prescience her marriage would undergo the most severe test of committent and devastating cycles of disconnection — and that very soon she would be mothering a grieving toddler. there was no foreboding to fortune tell any of this.
however, she did sign herself up for this hell ride — and simply forgot. it is in my belief and understanding that she did, i did.
sometime, in the time where there is no time, in the high heavens, i had signed a contract. i would incarnate into this woman who would undergo the soul lesson of grief through the role of a mother who loses a child. it is in my deepest knowing that kawa and i both chose this soul lesson to be apart of our journey.
the heartbreaking truth to swallow is — i signed up for all of this f**kery. before i landed here, i pre-purchased tickets to the most f**ked up and tremendous ride of life, where my daughter would physically die before she could turn four and if i surrendered to the beast of suffering and paid my grieving dues, i would in turn be gifted with the subtler senses to connect to her — in a way unseen, unheard and unbelievable — unlike any tangible feeling possible on earth.
so i passed over my ticket to enter the train of unbearable loss where i could sit only with faith and hope as my companions and trust that i would come out of the other side of the tunnel alive.
at some point, some laps on, i become strangely accustomed to the ride. i learned to strap on my seatbelt cos’ my inner ears would scream, its gonna be a bumpy ride folks! i learned to read the sharp turns that were approaching. i attuned to the dizzying heights and knew how to prepare for the plummeting lows. i learned to navigate the spins and throws that could induce my inners to churn. i learned to recover, recollect and realign myself for the next turn. i learned not so much to hold on but to let go.
after many spins around the block, i eventually could even hold the hands of others — the bewildered newcomers whom blindly enter the ride. little by little, spring by spring, i even invited those forgotten friends — fun and joy — to squish into the cart to join us for the next seven year ride.
part II.
the earth is round and your heart pumps blood and energy a-round your body. the sun moves a-round you or does earth move around it. you may see it around how you wish to see it. you may come around and they/others will rotate and come around when they want to.
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